Before I got married and had kids, I knew exactly what kind of a mother I wanted to be. You know, the kind of mother who Keeps a sparkling clean house, serves delicious and nutritious meals, has fun with her children, and never raises her voice—and most of all, uses her gifts outside the home to impact others for Christ. Yes, I was a perfectionist, and I wanted to be the best mother the world had ever seen.

As a perfectionist, I pursued a personal holiness that could impress even first-class Christians: I was vigilant in daily Bible studies, fasted and prayed regularly, and shared the Gospel with unbelievers whenever I could. Getting my PhD in my twenties, I became the youngest “evangelical” professor at a public university, basing my conviction and calling on the message in 1 Timothy 4:12, Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. Though it sounds naïve and overly ambitious now, as a young woman whose heart beat perfectionism, I held my breath and was ready to take on the world!

Ready to Throw in the Towel

After marriage and a celebrated move overseas into mission work, four little children soon followed. (Every time we moved to a new country we had one more child.) I badly wanted God to change our foreign corners of the world for Christ. But nine years into the parenting journey, with four active little boys, I would often find myself hiding in my room, longing for just a couple of moments of peace and quiet.

Too often I would feel unappreciated, overwhelmed, and depressed at my unmet expectations, and even resentful of my circumstances. The changes, disappointments, and stresses of life began chipping away at my larger-than life dreams, and both my perfect exterior and self-assured interior began to be shaken. But, don’t get me wrong. I love my family and the mission God has called me to do—with all my heart! But at times, it just feels like life is asking too much.

Here’s a real-life example: On a typical day at home with my little people, by 10 o’clock, I have moderated a few arguments and corrected children who need to re-do chores. Just as I’m bathing the baby, my pre-schooler notifies me he has an urgent need to “pee pee.” So I must stop and take him to the toilet immediately. Later, while busying myself with lunch preparation, I receive a phone call from a young girl whom I’ve mentored for years. She informs me that, even though she knows all the biblical truths about relationships and marriage, she finds it hard to be attracted to any of the young men at church, and is now going to marry an unbelieving man whom she has been dating online for some time!

Suppressing a sigh, I feel depression threatening me. Has all the time I’ve spent mentoring this gal been wasted? I am ready to throw in the towel, turn in my super-lady cap, and be done!

Recalibrating

Thankfully, on this day, just as I was about to throw myself a pity party, I was able to spend a few moments in the Word while the children were eating. I re-evaluated my day and revisited my priorities in life. Recalling my recent readings about the life of Ruth Bell Graham helped. As wife of one of the world’s most famous evangelists, Billy Graham, and mother of five children, Ruth’s rock-solid support of Billy’s ministry and her ability to manage their household on her own earned the respect of the Christian community. I was amazed at her vibrant and encouraging spirit, and her ability to resort constantly to God’s Word for instruction and to His grace for strength.

I also thought about the biblical accounts of Noah, Abraham, Sarah, Moses, David, Paul, and other Bible characters whom God used mightily throughout human history. Their weaknesses and failures should have hopelessly (and automatically) disqualified them from God’s work. Instead, the Bible tells us that out of their mess, God wrought miracles. Nothing thwarts His purposes, just as Job 42 tells us. As we surrender our weaknesses and have-nots to an all-powerful and merciful God whose Spirit lives in us, we find true strength.

A Life Pointing to Jesus

So over time, slowly, oh-so-slowly, I have begun to understand that my dreams and my strengths are not the best formula for a godly family and dynamic ministry. Truthfully, I prefer the “mountaintop” portions of life when my weaknesses are less visible and my strengths and gifts are used by God. I like when life's circumstances are headed in an optimistic and positive trend. And I dislike the more difficult “down” times when I struggle in the dark and cannot see light at the end of the tunnel.

But God is conforming me more and more to the image of His Son during difficult times and in the midst of my frailties and failures. He has promised strength for each trial and victory and reward at the end of this earthly life.

Psalm 84 says, Blessed are those whose strength is in you...As they pass through the valley...they make it a place of springs...They go from strength to strength till each appears before God (vv. 5–7). The apostle James also instructs us, Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him (James 1:1-2).

Someone has said that our weakness is a divine invitation to experience God’s strength through Jesus, and our failures can be opportunities to return (again and again) to the gospel. And when we return to the gospel—to the cross and the empty tomb—we point others to Jesus, not to ourselves nor to our perfect performance.

The weaknesses and failures which characterize my life have helped me experience the unspeakable depths of God’s love, mercy, and grace, and compelled me to love Him and serve His people. Today, as I look back, I wish I had understood these truths in my twenties. I have passed my thirties, and am now in my forties, and I confess that, as a former perfectionist and a performer at heart, I still have the desire to lead by example, set the pace, and maintain a perfect track record. I’m still ambitious and much in need of God’s grace and strength. I haven’t yet mastered the art of humility and trust, so I continue to revisit these lessons again and again. But the difference is, I know and love Jesus better now than I did when I was in my twenties. I’ve tested and tried Him, and found Him true.

God’s Love, Our Strength

Often when I put my children to bed at night, I ask them, “What do I want you always to remember?” And my pre-schooler, in his sweet voice, will say, with all the faith of a child and with the desire to be the first to give the answer (like his performance-oriented mom), “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so!”

In the midst of my weaknesses and failures, I can say with confidence, “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” In Him, I have found my true strength!

Kaili Zhang is Ministry Representative of International Students, Inc. of New Zealand. She is a senior lecturer in education and a freelance educational consultant.