The winter night was freezing cold; two friends shared a bed, just like many good friends do on a girls’ night. Hiep, a friend from church, had invited Mindy for a sleepover.

“I see you are cold. I can hold you,” Hiep said, embracing Mindy with her warm arms.

A feeling of home rushed over Mindy’s body. She felt Hiep’s strong heartbeat, the warmth from her chest, the closeness and safeness.

“I just kissed her! I couldn’t control myself!” Mindy told Carla, her Christian life coach. “I was ashamed and confused. I had so much pain inside me.”

Her Life as a Child

Mindy grew up in a farmer’s family in a small village in Sichuan Province, China, living most of the time with her mother and younger brother. Her father was around very little, for he had to go to the city to earn extra bread. Like thousands of Chinese village families, the pittance from farming would not suffice the family.

Mindy was always a good girl. A picture of her in her school uniform shows a smiling face like the shiny stars of a summer sky. Shy and obedient, she made fair grades in school while taking care of her younger brother and helping out at home. Her mother, an introverted, hardworking woman, had limited education. With a husband who only came home for the spring festivals and stayed for a month maximum, she did her best to attend to her little family’s need for food and shelter—but love remained unexpressed with words or affection. Mindy often felt misunderstood and rejected and learned to keep her emotional needs to herself.

Mindy’s story was the story of many other village girls with the same destiny. Growing up under harsh conditions, they had cuts on their fingers from doing chores in the bitterly cold winters. Their future consisted of a middle school degree, getting married, raising kids, and repeating the destiny of many former generations.

Hearing the Gospel

However, Mindy decided that she wanted something bigger. After graduating from a teacher training school, she entered a college in Chengdu, the biggest city of Sichuan province. She was still shy and quiet most of the time, but life started to unfold itself.

Learning English was an exciting way to tap into the new world and going to English Corner was on all the college kids’ to-do-list. At the English Corner, she met Stephanie, a woman from the Philippines, who really listened to her. Feeling understood and connected, she was able to share her thoughts and feelings with Stephanie. For Mindy, it was like a bird, flying up high, not fearing the unknown world or unexpected danger lurking in the corner. She developed a friendship with no strings attached—something she had never known before.

Stephanie was a Christian. She and her friends came to Chinese schools under the identity of students, but their real mission was to share the gospel of Christ. Hearing the name of Christ, but not understanding the faith, Mindy saw a door opening in front of her and wanted to find out if it was really paradise on the other side of the door. Listening to the radio one day, she stumbled across a radio station—Liangyou (meaning “a good friend”)—which was based in Hong Kong.

“I thought it was a western religion, so I was amazed that somewhere in China there was a radio station telling people about Christ,” she said. Like a thirsty deer lost in the woods, she heard the sound of a flowing stream. She kept on listening and contemplating faith. Crying out for answers, she wrote down her questions and emailed the station. She was eager for a Savior! Finally, she prayed and told Christ that she was willing to follow His footsteps, from this life till forever. Asking around, she found a church (made up mostly of people older than she) and staggered along the road of faith. With no one to teach her how to study the Bible and pray, she remained a spiritual baby for years.

After graduating from college, Mindy moved to Guangzhou, a big city in Southeast China. There she met Christians her age who were enthusiastic about discipleship training. With the closeness of this group, Mindy started to grow in spirit, even preaching the gospel to others.

It was here that Mindy met Hiep, the woman she kissed uncontrollably.

Her Biggest Struggle

After the kiss, Mindy began to cry. Hiep also panicked and felt confused, saying she could help Mindy by praying and reading the Bible with her. This offer of goodwill led them into a deeper trap, and Hiep admitted that she had feelings for females, which started in college. Together, Mindy and Hiep shared the struggle with the group leader and with Stephanie, and they were advised to go to different groups. However, because the pain of separation was too strong, they decided to deal with it in their own way—to stay in the same group, to serve the Lord together, and keep each other close.

However, things did not get better for Mindy. The struggle was so strong that her body weight dropped drastically because she had no desire for food. Her heart broke, the sky turned grey, and tears were her only companion on many dark nights. She lost her joy inside.

“I couldn’t tell others that I led a double life, and I could not forgive myself. I loved Hiep, and I was so scared of losing my relationship with her. I wondered if I was a lesbian, and if I was really saved.”

The pressures from home to rush her into marriage, plus doubting her identity and salvation, gave Mindy the feeling that something which used to give her life meaning was withering, approaching her with the wand of death. All she ever wanted was to be loved, which she felt deprived of since she was a little girl. But Mindy kept praying, and one day she realized how foolish it was to hope to get the most precious but rare thing—love—from the wrong place!

“In my pride, I believed I was a good person. In spite of my struggles, I believed I was better than many people in the church. They struggled with drugs, depression, and marital problems, and I told myself that these things were much worse than mine. But finally, I saw that I was indeed a wreck—and I needed God!”

A Change of Heart

Mindy started to look at the world and other people differently, with a kind of compassion she never knew before. It was not her joy but her tears that connected her with the brokenness of others, the sorrow leading her into a deeper love. Hiep also went through many struggles, and both girls saw the mistake of staying close in the same group. They continued to pray that their friendship would be holy.

Over the next few years, Mindy’s life continued to change. She served God with enthusiasm, led Bible studies, and shared the good news with people she met. God had answered her prayer—the light inside her returned. Then in 2016, she met Paul, an American man whom people said would be a good match for her. He was a nice person, but something inside Mindy pushed him away. The confusion from her relationship with Hiep had not completely dispersed, and the pain returned, telling her that she needed a deeper level of healing.

Ask, and You Shall be Given

Mindy began taking a course called Conscious Dating, and the Lord brought Carla, a Christian life coach, into her life. With Carla’s help, she was led to the discovery of her vision, her life purpose, and her preferences of people. To her surprise, a tightness in her chest told her that she had not completely recovered from her relationship with Hiep, which at this point seemed healthy and normal. Her heart was telling her she still lusted after the love she had felt for Hiep, with inappropriate subconscious expectations.

When learning that Hiep was going to get married soon, Mindy was able to identify the fear that arose in her heart. She recognized that she had made her relationship with Hiep an idol. Just as the Bible says: “The sorrows of those who substitute other gods for the Lord will increase. The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply” (Psalm 16:4). She had made Hiep a god in her life!

With gentle questions and comforting words from Carla, Mindy went inside and explored the darkness. This time, she was not alone and was not intimidated. She knew that only God could heal the wounds and emptiness in her heart. She wanted to know God’s true love—and to love others with His love.

A Future and a Hope

Mindy made the difficult decision to break up with Paul, which led to more pressure to marry from her family and friends. Several of her friends got married that year and neighbors from the village constantly asked Mindy’s mother when Mindy would be getting married. When they got the answer, they would give her the “shame look”—picturing a horrible old woman who did not marry in her proper age. With growing anxiety, Mindy’s mother kept nagging, and Mindy felt suffocated by the pressure.

“I felt like a failure. I was lonely and hoped that I could find a boyfriend,” Mindy admitted. But deep inside, she knew that no person could give her the love she really desired. She kept praying and God worked in her heart—peace descended. She used to believe that God would love her only if she was a “good Christian.” Now she knew that no matter what she was like, or how difficult her struggles were, God’s love was truly unconditional and everlasting, just as the apostle Paul said: “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).

Mindy’s testimony to others is: “Don’t quit church, no matter how difficult things are. You can always learn from the sermons, and God can use other Christians to speak into your life. Open up to God and others. You will find that many people do care for you.”

Having received life-changing encouragement from life coaching, Mindy is now taking courses to prepare herself to become a life coach in the future. With peace inside, she no longer attaches herself to the love of people. She serves people wherever she can, makes friends easily, and laughs more than ever. Her love carries freedom wherever it goes. She is still in hope of having an intimate relationship that God has designed for one man and one woman, but whether she enters into marriage or not, she knows now that she will not become discouraged.

Keyi Zhou is a Christian freelancer who lives in Kunming, Yunnan, China.