Too Long in the Far Country: Confessions of a Christian Addict
By Jennie Molnar
Youthful Dreams
I have nothing but beautiful memories of my childhood. I was brought up in the small town of Wanaque, New Jersey, that was surrounded by the Wanaque Reservoir and a natural state forest. My parents, Dave and Debbie, and my sister, Jackie, and I lived in a small, cozy home, nestled among tall evergreen trees. My sister and I played in the snow, rode bikes, picked berries, and traded stickers. There were hills to sled ride down and many little creeks to play in.
My parents raised us in a Christian home. We went to church every Sunday morning and evening. By the age of three, I knew that God loved me. As I grew in my faith, I understood that, as His child, He had a special plan for my life. I dreamed of what my future would hold, of getting married at the age of 19, having my first kiss at the altar, going to college, and becoming either a Christian counselor or a Christian singer. I would have two children and raise them the way my parents raised me.
Relocation
In 1990, when I was 11, our family moved to St. Augustine, Florida. We found a good church and a Christian school for me and my sister. We got involved in the youth group, joined the drama team, and in 1994 went on a mission trip with our youth group to Eleuthera, Bahamas. I felt close to God and believed He had a special plan for my life.
When it was time for high school, I went to public school for the first time—St. Augustine High. This made me nervous! Since kindergarten, I had always felt anxiety when going to school. My teachers would often yell at me for not paying attention. I never understood why I was in trouble and often felt insecure. (Now, I understand that I was dealing with A.D.D.—attention deficit disorder—which was not yet understood in the 1980s.) The A.D.D. activated my anxiety and the anxiety activated my A.D.D., leaving me exhausted.
Knowing that in public school I would face temptations I had not faced before, I promised my mom that I would never use drugs or drink alcohol. I planned to stand strong in the Lord! In 9th and 10th grades I made the honor roll, was in the choral group, and became a cheerleader.
Curiosity Kills
In 10th grade, I made a new friend, Jane, who was also from New Jersey. She became my closest friend, and she would sometimes drink alcohol. At first, when she offered me some, I turned it down as drinking was not something our family did. Then, because I was curious to know what alcohol felt like, I gave in. Soon Jane and I were going out every weekend and drinking. I knew it was wrong, and felt guilty, but I did it anyway.
In 11th grade, Jane and I became friends with a girl named Ashley. She was older than us and very pretty. She smoked weed (marijuana) sometimes, and because I was curious about what it felt like, I tried it and liked it. After graduation, Ashley moved to Orlando. When she came back a few months later, she had lost a lot of weight. She told us that she had started doing cocaine. Like with alcohol and weed, I was curious about what it felt like. I was scared to try it, but I wanted to lose weight quickly. So, I tried it and liked it and started doing it some on my own.
Though I skipped a lot of classes during my 12th grade year, I managed to graduate. Drugs were not yet controlling my life, but they were very much a part of it. I still believed that God had a special plan for my life.
The Downward Spiral
After graduating high school, I started dating my first love, who had also been raised in a Christian home. We did drugs together—cocaine, weed, and acid (LSD). Then, after having several car accidents, I was introduced to pain pills. The meds took away my physical pain and also the anxiety and depression I was feeling. They gave me confidence. I began calling my doctors and telling them the medicine wasn’t working, and I needed something stronger. When they caught on and stopped prescribing me narcotic pain medicine, I began getting narcotics from friends and dealers.
Once when I was high on drugs, I drove my parents’ van into a moving train. Friends and family told me there was a reason I was still alive. Thinking I had hit rock bottom, I became comfortable and began using drugs again. No longer able to get pain pills from doctors, I needed to find a way to get them. An idea came to my head: I could call in my own prescription. I did and was caught, spent the night in jail, and was court-ordered to go to counseling. I completed the requirements, and the misdemeanor charge was dropped.
My parents were very worried and ried many ways to help me. But I was already too far gone. I was not their daughter anymore—I had the demon of cocaine alive inside me, controlling my every move. Many mornings I was screaming and crying out to God to help me. The depression and hopelessness I experienced were overwhelming. I wanted to die. When my mom was diagnosed with leukemia, I felt it was my fault that she had gotten cancer, from all the worry and heartache I had put her through! At this point, I knew for sure that the plans God had for me were never going to happen.
Caught again for calling in drug prescriptions, I was put on felony drug offender probation. Because I was still using cocaine and refused to meet the probation requirements, I was arrested and spent 30 days in jail. There I was offered the **Drug Court program and accepted. I was ready for a fresh beginning. I wanted myself back, my family back, and God back in my life.
In phase three of the Drug Court program, I relapsed into cocaine use. I knew the relapse was coming as I was beginning to get restless. All I could think of was getting drugs, but I told no one. My family was very heartbroken, and I was disappointed in myself. It was 2008, and I was 29 years old.
During my recovery in Drug Court, I learned to accept responsibility for the trouble I was in, and how much my family meant to me. I knew that I had left God a long time ago, but He had been by my side the whole time. As the poem “Footprints in the Sand” says, “It was then that He carried me.” I believed with all my heart that my future was in the hands of God, and I was ready to see what special plans He had for me.
Drug Court Again
Sadly, the following 10 years, I continued using drugs—cocaine and smoking weed—and at age 37, tried meth for the first time. I was in and out of jail many times. (When I look at a copy of my arrest record today, I see another person and can’t believe it was me!) Back in Drug Court in 2018, I had finally reached a point where I had had enough. I was tired of how drugs possessed me. Drugs had abducted me for 19 years. Many times I tried to escape, but the drugs would always find me. They would find me in the crowds of other addicts, at bars and gas stations, even in music—and they always found me in my depression and anxiety.
The mental torture an addict goes through becomes too much to handle. I hated myself. So I chose rugs to escape the pain. This time in Drug Count I accepted that I was responsible for the way I was living my life. I listened and paid attention to all that was being taught. I stayed away from people, places, and things that were triggers—anyone and anything that would cause me to relapse. I learned the importance of being honest—with myself, my counselor, my family, and especially with God. I learned to love and respect myself, a person made in the image of God—something I hadn’t done in a very long time.
Blessed Sobriety
I’ve been sober since January 2018, the longest I have ever stayed sober, and I couldn’t be more proud of myself—and thankful to God. Now my family is back in my life, and the “real me” is back in their lives.
To help me function better, a psychiatrist put me on an anti-depressant, medication for A.D.D., and medication for anxiety and sleep. I was feeling hopeful. Then in 2023, depression consumed me. It was so severe that I completely isolated myself from everyone. Having thoughts that scared me, I cried out to God to let me come Home. I had checked out of my life. But one thing I was certain of—my life was not mine to take! I was created by God and belong to Jesus. He decides the day I will take my last breath. During this time of isolation, I found myself getting closer to Jesus and spending time talking to Him and reading Scripture. Music was also drawing me closer to Him. He showed me areas in my life that needed work. He made me see that I had to rely fully on Him.
I don’t know what my future holds, but I still believe God has a special plan for my life. He spared my life so many times for a reason. My goal is to keep pressing on, endure, and carry on in hope. Romans 5:3–4 says that we are to rejoice when we are suffering because suffering produces endurance and endurance produces character and character produces hope. I’m so thankful that God has given me another chance. At times, I ignored Him and did only what I wanted to do, but he remained by my side, picking me up every time I fell. I still believe that God has a plan for my life. But this time, I can hear and listen to Him with a healthy, sober mind. I’m truly ready to see what He has in store for my life!
This is a poem I wrote as my testimony:
“I’m Letting Go”
I’m letting go. I’m moving on.
I’m laying my trials at the cross,
I’m putting my future in Your hands.
So, use me, Lord, and take control.
Show me Your plan,
Guide me with Your hands and lead the way.
Lord, give me strength, in every way.
Help me to trust You every day,
Help me to follow You and pray.
And if I fall, Lord, pick me up.
Light up Your way,
Bring me back to You and don’t let go.
Thank You, Lord, for all You’ve done.
You always forgave me when I failed,
You never left me when I left you.
So here I am, I’m Yours to mold.
Do what’s Your will, I surrender all to You.
I’m letting go.
Jennie Molnar lives in St. Augustine, Florida. She enjoys making jewelry, writing, journaling, taking walks, and loving and tending to her cat, Jessie.